Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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