If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
