I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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