i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
