you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
