The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
