So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
