Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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