I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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