i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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