there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
