You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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