I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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