I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
