i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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