The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
