i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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