he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
