You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
birth control should be required to get into college
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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