i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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