can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
