You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
