The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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