I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You can't motorboat a personality
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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