Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
