i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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