I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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