I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
