Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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