She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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