I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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