He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
