i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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