It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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