My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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