Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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