Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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