I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
