Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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