i was born a porn star she said
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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