Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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