I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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