your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
