I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
