apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
