every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
