Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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