i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
