i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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