you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
