my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
