Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
