just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
