Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
