theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
